I Celebrate The Day(s)

Lights. Trees. Decorations. Food. Family. Friends. Gifts. Movies. Parties. Joy.

There's so many words we an associate with Christmas time. As I say every year, it is my favorite time of the year. There's so much excitement in seeing all of the decorations and lights and being surrounded by family, etc. I love the feeling I get during the holiday season.

This year it hit me pretty hard that in just a matter of a few  days, it will all be over. We spend SO much time preparing for this holiday. We bake an abnormal amount of cookies, spend lots of money, buy tons of presents, turn the whole house upside down to decorate, and hold big gatherings for our families. We watch all the cheesy Hallmark movies, blast Christmas tunes in our cars, and tell everyone we see "Merry Christmas."

But...

on December 26th, it will all be over. The decorations will still be there and we'll have plenty of leftover food, but the excitement and joy of "Christmas" is done. Then we pack it all up and say "See ya next year."

It seems so wrong to celebrate with all of this amazing joy the one day, and then have it all fade away the next day. When we sit back and remember what we're actually celebrating, I think we realize how horrible this really is.

On this day [supposedly] the Savior of the world was born. Somewhere, in the dark, in some stable, that little baby boy that grew up to save the whole world came out of his virgin Mom's body. Incredible is an understatement for the event that we celebrate on Christmas.

One thing I have really come to realize this year is that the celebration never ends.

The Christmas tree might come down and music might stop playing, but the joy and love that that little baby brought into the world is never-ending. It doesn't go away when the decorations do, and it doesn't leave when our families do. Jesus came into the world to show us true love. He came into the world to give forgiveness and faith. He was born to SAVE us. No matter what day of the year it is, that love, forgiveness, and faith still rings true.

I think Christmas is such a great time to remember that very special day when our Savior was born. I think it reminds us why we're even alive. But, I think that it will be my goal this coming up year to feel this same joy every single day. That overwhelming sense of joy I feel during this season should never fade.

Just knowing that Jesus was born to show me love and to give me grace is enough to make me the happiest girl alive for the rest of my life. There's nothing more powerful than knowing that someone loves you so much no matter what you do.

Christmas has become so chaotic. There's so much pressure and stress involved in such a beautiful holiday. We have to run around and make sure we get the right gifts for everyone, wear the perfect "Christmas Eve outfit," cook the right food, have the best decorations, etc. We've really ruined what Christmas is.

Jesus brought us rest. He gave us hope. That's what Christmas does for us. It reminds us that He came here for us, for His children. The little baby boy came to love us... and that's the most peaceful thought ever.

I'm thankful for this amazing holiday, because it truly makes me sit down, reflect on my life, and realize that THIS is exactly why I'm here. I am who I am because of the baby that was born on this special day. I would be nowhere without the love, grace, and forgiveness that this baby was born for. I'm saved because of Him. I'm saved because of Christmas.

All the crap in my life and all the mistakes I make are forgiven because of this day. I can live every second of my life, knowing that I am loved beyond measure and forgiven all because of Christmas.

That's reason enough to celebrate.

I hope you all have an amazing Christmas as well as 2012!

"The first time that You opened Your eyes, did you realize that You would be my Savior? The first breath that left Your lips, did you know that it would change this world forever? I celebrate the day."
-Relient K

40 Lessons, Thoughts, Memories & Highlights of 2011

Things I did, people I met, experiences I experienced, things I have realized and lessons I have learned in 2011.

1. I love driving.
2. Getting a job changed my life.
3. I forgot how it feels to be bored.
4. I love living in Florida.
5. Summer of 2011 was the best summer ever.
6. I have the most amazing best friend in the world.
7. I saw dolphins with my family in Clearwater Beach
8. I rode a jet ski with my Dad
9. My Mom turned 50.
10. Solo road trips to Tampa are fun
11. I applied to 2 Universities
12. I highlighted my hair blonder.
13. I have an addiction to ice cream.
14. Inception was one of the best movies ever made.
15. You can’t survive in life with budgeting.
16. Audea is my new favorite band.
17. The guys of Audea are some of the greatest guys I have ever met.
18. Good guys actually exist.
19. Video editing is a new passion of mine.
20. The Macy’s Day Thanksgiving parade gets worse every year.
21. I have an incredibly talented brother.
22. Contacts are so much better than glasses.
23. "Chopped” on Food Network is one of my favorite TV shows.
24. I have an obsession with reality TV.
25. Playing guitar is one of my all time favorite things to do
26.  I love clothes shopping
27. I will never cut my hair short again
28.  I’m ready to move out.
29. But I love my family more than anything
30. The beach is my favorite place in the world
31. I love making people happy
32. It’s important to spend special time with those you love so you don’t regret it when they’re gone.
33. My Dad’s greatest life lessons come from Judge Judy.
34. People don’t like change.
35. The United State Government is run by idiots.
36. I secretly want to be a drag racer.
37. “Divine Nobodies” by Jim Palmer is one of the best books ever written.
38. I’ve realized that my love for people doesn’t come from what they do, but rather who they are.
39. I’m starting to understand how God can love someone like me.
40. You can’t fully enjoy life until you learn to let go of the past, leave it far behind and move forward. 

I'll Be Unemployed in 5 Years.

After years of being confused, lost and indecisive, I made the decision this year that I am going to transfer to a university as a Psychology major. I based this decision on my passion for helping other people. I also based it on the love and empathy that I feel for others. Not only do I want to be able to spend the rest of my life helping people, but I also want to have the education to understand humanity and why we are the way we are. I think it will help me to better understand everyone around me, as well as better understand myself and who I am.

Every time I tell someone my future goals and decision to study this subject, people shake their heads and tell me I’m making a mistake. Over and over, adults tell me I’ll “end up unemployed” and “There’s no money in psychology” and give me a thumbs down the second “psy-“ leaves my mouth.

I feel like I’ve spent way too much of my life trying to figure out exactly what it is that my heart is in. I tried being an English major because I love to write. At that time, people also told me how big of a mistake it was and that I would never find a job. So, I took their advice and changed my mind. I, then, considered being a math major because I love math. But, the thought of sitting in an office all day, every day, punching in numbers made me re-think that option.

After all this time spent thinking, [not to mention all the extra classes I’ve taken in college], I feel like I have finally decided that this is what I want to do. I want to study people. I want to study our thoughts and behaviors. And eventually, I would love to work in a treatment center that helps girl with eating disorders, mood disorders, depression, addictions, etc. There is a passion deep in my heart to help people, to show people their worth and their value in life.

Yet, when I tell people this, they don’t understand. I feel like we have a misconception of reality. We think we have to go to college and get a degree in order to ensure that we get a well paying job when we’re finished. Although this is true to an extent, I think we’re missing so much. I’m not in college right now because I want to make tons of money when I graduate. I’m not pursuing a higher education in order to make sure I get a good job. I’m in school and I’m choosing to study for the highest degree that I can because I love learning. I love figuring out new things and absorbing more information into my brain.

Not once when I am sitting in a classroom do I tell myself that it’ll pay off when I have a good job, because I don’t see school as a chore. I honestly enjoy school and learning more than anything. Sometime it gets hard and when finals were over this semester, I was more relieved than ever before… but I still love it.

It’s really discouraging for me when people tell me I’m making a mistake in majoring in Psychology. I don’t see money or salary as a basis to go to school and get an education. I don’t think that finding a good job is as much about money as it is about what you enjoy doing. I do understand circumstances where money is the only reason to get a job… BUT when you’re in school studying for your future, I don’t think the amount of zeroes in your “expected” salary is what should be on your mind. I could make 20 dollars an hour at McDonalds, but I can guarantee you that I will hate getting up and going to work each day. The amount of money I’m getting paid might allow me to buy everything I want. It might give me the ability to live in a big house, drive a sweet car and have the best clothes… but if I hate going to work and I hate the work that I’m doing, then all of those material things aren’t going to make me happy.

I would much rather learn to live with less and sincerely enjoy what I am doing every day, then make millions and absolutely hate how I’m making it.

I feel like life and happiness are so much more than the amount of money we make. Musicians don’t always make a huge amount of money, but when they’re on stage every night doing what they’ve always loved to do, with a smile on their faces, then who cares?

Sure, they could have gone to school and become doctors… but that’s not where their hearts are. That isn’t what they love to do.

Majoring in psychology is a way for me to learn about myself. It’s a way for me to understand my brother and my parents. It provides me with an opportunity to [hopefully] gain more knowledge about the world I live in and the people I live in it with. I hope to discover new ways to help people in need.

I’m not trying to sit in class for four years and earn a piece of paper that says I can “get a good job” and “make lots of money.” I’m trying to learn. And that’s it. Short and simple- I want to learn as much as I possibly can.

The definition of success according to the New Oxford American Dictionary is this:

The accomplishment of an aim or purpose.

I have a purpose in life and one day I hope to figure out what that is. I don’t think anyone’s purpose is to make lots of money. My view of success is not defined by the amount of money or fame I get. My view of success is based purely on my happiness and how I use what I’ve learned throughout my life to help benefit other people.

I can have a PhD in Psychology, make minimum wage, and still be happy. If I’m showing and giving love to others and if I can help make other people realize their potential and worth in life beyond numbers, then I’ll be happy. I’ll find in joy in the fact that I can help the people around me.

You can tell me every day that studying psychology is a mistake. You can tell me every day that there’s no money in the “psychology business.” You can shake your head at me every day. But I’m going to strive to do what I think is best for me. I’m going to focus my life on happiness and love, and not on the numbers in my paycheck.

I’m going to find success in my ability to love. 

Audea "A is For Autumn" EP on iTunes

Audea's CD "A is for Autumn" EP was released on iTunes last night!

Go check it out!!

http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/a-is-for-autumn/id484277517?i=484277640&ign-mpt=uo%3D4

I've had it on repeat since the minute it downloaded and it's incredible.
Definitely some of my favorite songs of all time.

You won't regret getting it.
So, support the guys and go get it! :)

http://facebook.com/audeamusic

http://twitter.com/audeamusic

http://reverbnation.com/audea

Without Me With You

Adding together the time spent preparing, shooting, and editing, the total comes out to 12+ hours I spent making the video below. (I think I found my new passion.)
Song- "Without Me With You" by Audea.

[As if I haven't said it enough] check Audea out at:

http://facebook.com/audeamusic
http://twitter.com/audeamusic
http://reverbnation.com/audea

Enjoy the video and let me know what you think!



(I owe a huge, giant thank you to Eric for sending me the song.)

Mercy Is Yours

Take 5 minutes out of your day to watch this, and I guarantee you that you won't regret it.

I would love to sit here and write the longest post about this and why I love it so much. But unfortunately, I'm short on time and will leave you to watch it yourself.
There is not one word this guy says that I do not agree with. I find it so hard sometimes to organize all my thoughts about something and then I see videos like this, and think "That's exactly what I didn't know how to say."

The passage in the bible that he mentions has been one of my favorite stories for as long as I can remember.

This woman committed a sin worthy of murder. She broke one of God's commandments. She was dirty. She was wrong. And all the people around her were ready to kill her. But Jesus, the one who wrote the commandment, the one with full authority to say "Stone her," bent down, picked her up and told her she was forgiven. He didn't condemn her. He didn't judge her. He didn't kill her. He saw her heart. He saw her through the eyes of love. He saw who she was, not what she did. He didn't see her sin. He saw HER.

Every single time I screw up, this is the passage I think about. It doesn't only apply to adultery. It applies to every aspect of our lives. When we think we've done something unworthy of love, we beat ourselves up. When we sin, we feel horrible. We find ways to try and "make it up to God."

But God doesn't see it that way. God isn't waiting to throw the stone when we mess up. He's waiting to lift us back up and let us know that we're still loved.

"I love you. I accept you. Mercy is yours."

More powerful words have never been said.

A Happy God

I have never been one to talk about dating and boy-girl relationships. Partly because I have 0 experience in that area and partly because I felt I wasn’t allowed to.  I’ve always been scared of people looking down on me and lowering me to the “love-struck stupid teenager” status.

Lately, I’ve started thinking a lot differently.

I read 2 amazing books this month; “Divine Nobodies” by Jim Palmer and “The Misunderstood God” by Darin Hufford.  The list of things I have learned from these two books is 10 miles long but one point keeps showing up in my life and it’s changing how I think and feel about so many things.

Growing up as a Christian, in and around the church, I was always taught to never put anything above God. (Commandment # 2) I’ve always learned that if we “obsess” over anything, we are making it an idol and therefore, going against God.

Now, for a very obsessive/attached person like myself, this is hard to hear.

I went through a period of my life where I fasted mainstream/secular music. I gave away every non-Christian CD I owned and listened to strictly praise & worship music.  I felt like this would make God happy with me.

I even went through a time when I considered no longer listening to my favorite band, BarlowGirl. It wasn’t because there was anything wrong with their music at all, but simply because I heard that God wasn’t pleased with me since I was so obsessed over them.

It was a very difficult stage to go through feeling like I had to give up all of my favorite things in life in order to ensure that God was happy with me.  This same belief/mindset is what I have been taught my whole life about liking a guy and “dating.”

It’s been engraved onto my brain that I can’t “like” a boy because I would be putting him before God… which would be… bad.

Well, this weekend I learned something that goes completely against everything I have ever been taught. That is this: God is happy when I am happy.

This weekend was one of the best weekends of my life. I had a really fun time with my family and some awesome people in South Florida. I got back to the hotel I was staying at late Saturday night and replayed the whole night in my head. I was smiling bigger than I have in a long time and felt genuinely and completely happy. I wasn’t stressed, worried, scared, or upset about anything. All of my cares in the world were gone and I was 100% happy.

The feeling I felt wasn’t just me and my “high” on life. I sat there on the hotel bed and realized that God was happy for me. It wasn’t just me. He was sharing in my joy. I didn’t just come back from a huge church service or a youth group meeting, or anything like that. My happiness had nothing to do with any “Christian” moment. The source of all my joy was actually pretty selfish… but for once, I wasn’t ashamed. I wasn’t afraid to be happy for myself. I wasn’t afraid to let my excitement show. For the first time, I wasn’t scared of God being disappointed in me.

This summer, when I was visiting my best friend in Tampa, we went to our favorite band’s concert together with her parents. The whole night was amazing and when we got into the car, we were extremely giddy and hyper. Our smiles were permanent and we couldn’t stop talking about all of the great things that happened that night. My friend’s Dad looked at us through the rearview mirror and was smiling at us, with the same joy in his eyes that was in ours. I wondered why he was smiling so big like we were, and he said he really loved seeing us so happy.

I always think of this moment when I think of my relationship with God. When something good happens in my life, my Dad is one of the first people to be happy for me. (Usually.) He shares in my joy and my excitement. When I’m smiling, he’s smiling. He’s happy for me because he loves me.

God is the exact same way. When something good happens in our lives, we feel like we have to give God the credit right away or else He won’t be pleased, but that’s such a harsh view of our God. God is love. When I make an A on a test in school, my Dad doesn’t want me to give him the credit. He gets excited for me because I earned that grade and because he’s proud of me. When I have a really good day and everything seems to be going right, my Dad doesn’t want me to credit him for it. He’s simply just happy that I’m happy.

I think God is the same way. Don’t get me wrong, I thank God for everything that happens in my life because He’s always there… but this weekend, I found myself thanking Him for being happy for me. I felt SO much joy in knowing that God was smiling down on me. Not because I did something to make Him proud, but just because I was happy. That extreme feeling of happiness that I felt was shared with my God… and I can’t describe how amazing that was.

I’m starting to see that relationships are the same way. I’ve read in a lot of places that God gets jealous of our relationships with other people and we have to be careful to not put our best friends or spouses or partners above Him… but maybe we’re looking at it wrong.

I talk to my best friend all day long. I’ll be texting her when I wake up in the morning, and we text before we fall asleep at night. When we’re together, we spend every second talking. I love her and am so thankful to have her in my life, but I never once think that God would take her away from me because He’s jealous. God isn’t upset with me because I spend so much time talking to her. God is happy for me because I have her! I know that God created our friendship, but not so I could credit Him. God created our friendship because He knew what a great positive impact it would have on my life. When He’s watching me and Alex enjoy our time together, He’s smiling… because His girls are happy.

The more I write this, the more I think this blog post sounds extremely selfish… but I think it’s just hard for me to put into words exactly how I felt these past few days.

I was so happy over something that was so self-centered, but I felt God share my happiness with me. I knew at that moment in time that He was happy FOR me. When Alex got accepted into the college she wanted to go to, I was so happy for her. It didn’t have anything to do with me, but the fact that she was so overjoyed and that she got what she wanted made me so happy.

For the past 17 years of my life, I’ve always felt like God doesn’t give me what I want, because He doesn’t want me to put those wants over Him. Every time something bad would happen, I would tell myself that it was God making sure I put Him first. If I didn’t get the present I wanted for Christmas, I told myself it was “OK because God didn’t want me to have it.” When I didn’t get to go to a friend’s house, I told myself that God thought I was spending too much time with that friend.

I turned my own God into an angry dictator that didn’t want me to be happy. I actually believed that He wanted me to be upset to teach me a lesson.

I will never believe that again.

When the guy I have a crush on talks to me and smiles at me, I know that God is happy for me. The God who created me in His image isn’t jealous when I have relationships with other people. I no longer believe that God is mad when I like a guy. That’s how he created me! He knows my heart. He knows where I stand and He knows who I am.

Knowing that God shares and takes part in your happiness is one of the most freeing feelings in the world. It’s a moment in life when you truly realize that you are completely and fully loved in every possible way.

Just like Alex’s Daddy was so happy for us giggly girls the night after that concert, God is happy for his children when good things happen to us. Our smiles bring a smile to His face.

Don’t ever be afraid of disappointing God. All you end up doing is hurting yourself. Let go and live life to the absolute fullest you can. Enjoy every second of it. Don’t be afraid of messing up or “obsessing” over things. Enjoy the life God gave you and let Him enjoy it with you!

Blur- Audea [VIDEO]

30 minutes of photo preparing. 1 hour of taking photos and shooting videos. 1 hour waiting for my camera to charge back up. 3+ hours of editing. And 10 minutes to publish. The result? The video below.

Don't forget to check out Audea at http://facebook.com/audeamusic 

Love Overpowers Fear

When we were young, we would oftentimes sit on our Dad's shoulders. By getting on those shoulders, we put ourselves into a position that could really hurt us. But we did it anyway because we trusted our Daddies enough to not let us fall. When a young child gets on his/her Dad's shoulders, they do it knowing that their Dad loves them too much to let them get hurt. It's scary, but the love we know our Dad has for us overshadows that fear of getting hurt.
If we didn't let go of that fear and put trust in our Dads, then we would have never gotten up on those shoulders, therefore missing out on that experience.

The rest of life is so much like this example.

It's so easy to keep from doing something because we're scared. It's so easy to let our fears keep us from living.

My brother and I used to go to this theme park all the time. There was one specific roller coaster that he would always go on... alone. I would stand by and watch because I was so scared of riding it. He'd try over and over to persuade me to go and I would just tell him I was scared and sit on the bench while he had the time of his life. I would sit there and watch sadly, always loaded with regret that my fear stopped me from having that experience with my brother.

After multiple trips to the park, he convinced me to ride it. He dragged me through the line and got me into the seat where I couldn't change my mind anymore. I remember sitting there, waiting for the it to start while the seatbelts locked thinking "What in the world am I doing?"


That 1 minute, 30 second roller coaster ride taught me a huge life lesson.

It is now my favorite ride in the whole park. I love it. I rode it back to back that day and had the time of my life. I was so thankful after riding it, that I had enough faith in God, my brother (and the roller coaster designer) to keep me safe.

Not only that... but the ride wasn't even that scary. When it was over, I was thinking, "That was it?"


That moment taught me that I waste 99% of my life with fear. I spend SO much time being scared of what could happen that I miss some of life's greatest moments. Instead of trusting God to keep me safe and hold me up, I hide behind the fear that there's a chance I might, maybe, possibly get a little hurt.

Then, when I miss the moment, I regret it. And those rare occasions when I face my fears, I typically end up realizing that there wasn't much to be scared of in the first place.

This is true in relationships as well.  My best friend and I have this conversation all the time. We're so terrified of giving our hearts to someone or "liking" someone. We're so scared to have feelings for another human. We fear all of these wonderful feelings because we don't want to get hurt. We don't want to put all of our heart into something and then have it end up broken into a million pieces. The pain that could come out of an experience keeps us from ever even having that experience in the first place.

God is my Dad. My fear of giving my heart to someone and my fear of that roller coaster that day are both equivalent to my fear of falling off of my Dad's shoulders. Until I let go of that fear, I will never get there. I won't succeed and I won't learn to love if I don't let myself put all of my trust in the One who is holding me up. We have to figure out that God's love will always keep us safe. His shoulders are the strongest ones, and He won't let us fall off. But we'll never experience all of life's great moments, until we trust Him enough to get up there.

I can honestly say that there has not been one moment where my fear has taken over that I haven't walked away in regret. Each time I let my fears overpower my ability to live life, I spend days and weeks wishing I could go back and change it.

I am so scared of the future. I am terrified of what could happen tomorrow. BUT, I can't let that fear keep me from living my life.... because in the end, I will regret it.

My God is big enough and strong enough to keep me safe from all the hurt and the pain in the world. And if I happen to fall off of His shoulders and get a scraped knee, then it's still okay because He is there! He's there to keep me safe, but He's also there to pick me back up when I fall down.

I know He will protect me. I know this because He loves me. His love will keep me safe. And that same love is more powerful than my greatest fears.

I think I'm starting to realize that the fear of getting hurt, hurts me a lot more than what I was initially afraid of.

I feel like a tiny, short, 3 foot tall kid in a crazy crowd of tall people. I feel small and inferior and I can't see or experience much of what is going on... I'm scared. It's time for me to let go of my fears and trust my Dad as he lifts me onto his shoulders. From up there, I can see the world... and I can fully start to live and experience life. Without fear. 

It's Me

When writing papers for school, I try to stick to the facts and keep far away my personal views and opinions. This past week, I had to write a biography for a scholarship I was trying to apply for. My first draft was straight facts about my life, my education history and a little about my hobbies. The lady reviewing the applications read my biography and basically told me to rewrite it and add more about "me." Obviously, since I want a chance at the scholarship, I took this awfully seriously and ended up putting way more of myself into a "school" paper than I ever have before. It was terrifying. But I'm pretty glad to say that i'm proud of the result. I have read it out loud to myself more than 2500 times today, and I feel like I portrayed myself exactly how I want to be viewed. I figured I would share on here just the final section of the biography, which discusses my future college/career goals.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I plan to continue my education by transferring to a University as a Psychology major. I have been a very indecisive person most of my life, never really knowing what I wanted to do. I’ve switched back and forth between various career options and majors multiple times. But, there has always been one thing that has never changed. That is my immense love for people. My heart immediately breaks when I that hear someone is going through a tough time. I hurt when other people are hurting. And I will do everything in my power to make someone smile when they’re having a bad day. I know what’s it’s like to feel insecure and worthless. I’ve experienced the feeling of hopelessness when you think that nothing you do is good enough.  It’s exactly for these reasons that my ultimate goal is to eventually work in a treatment center for girls with eating disorders, mood disorders, and addictions. It’s these girls that need someone to feel for them and these are the girls that need love the most. These are the people my heart breaks for and these are the people I want to help. I want to show them their value and turn their heartbreak and hurt into joy. People often times say they want to grow up and change the world. I feel like by helping others find joy and worth within themselves, I can do just that: change the world one individual at a time. One of my greatest inspirations is James Barnett, the founder of ‘Clothe Your Neighbor as Yourself’, which is a non-profit organization that sells t-shirts and uses the money to clothe people in need. He said it best when he said, “Only by 'doing' can we begin to offer hope and love to a world who’s cup is half empty.” If I can spend the rest of my life using what I have learned and experienced to help others then I will have reached ultimate success. 

Time To Let Go

Wrote a new poem. Thought I would share.

Time to Let Go

Haunting me with shame
Striking me with pain
Like a ghost luring deep in the shadows
of the night
The hurt battles me in a never-ending fight

I try so hard to forget
but I can’t let it go
Out of fear,
I continue to keep it close

I can’t escape
It’s everywhere I turn
It’s killing me
Won’t I ever learn?

I’m stuck in my past
I’m buried in regrets
Even though I try
I can’t ignore it

I need to get out
I’m sinking too deep
I have to escape
It’s time to break free

Out of the past
Away from my shame
Into the future
With a new name

I need to get out
I have to run away
My time has run out
I can no longer stay

It’s time to let go
I’m ready to fly
I’m ready to live
Before it’s my time to die

It’s time to see
that my life is more
It’s time to find out
what I was created for

Not my affliction,
my sorrow or pain
Not my heartache,
my burdens, my shame

I was made for more
More than this disease
So much more
So show me please

Your ways and Your truths
that You have set out for me
Your love and Your care
that you want me to feel

Wrapping me in
Your arms so tight
Showing me that darkness
is overcome by light

Open my eyes
Take all of my fear
Replenish my joy
and take all my tears

My past doesn’t make, break
or define me
It won’t stop me from being
who I want to be

That past is forever
over and done
But right now in this moment,
I am safe in Your arms. 

How To Feel Alive

This is the newest video I've made and the one I'm most proud of.

This song is 'How To Feel Alive' by Audea.

This Summer I went down to Tampa twice to see this band perform. Truly some of the most talented guys I have ever had the pleasure of seeing perform and meeting. (Hopefully not the last.) The guys are very sweet, very down-to-earth and extremely incredible musicians. Soon after the first concert I went to, they released *THIS* live practice session video of a song called "How To Feel Alive." I hit replay on the video more than 50 times in the first day. I absolutely love this song. I couldn't help myself and had to make a video to it.

My absolute favorite part of this song is the bridge:

If we could see like the blind man, would it open our eyes?
If we could hear like the deaf, would we listen to the lies?
If we could sing with a mute tongue til the day we die, would we find how to feel alive?


No one writes lyrics quite like these guys. It's something I love about their songs. I think that a lot of the songs can be interpreted differently by different people.

My interpretation is as follows:

I think one of the biggest things we do in life, as humans, is to try and "feel alive." We try to find that one thing that makes us happy and excited to live. We try to find that one thing that gives us a "high" for life. And most of the time, we can't find it in the things we look for it in. It reminds me of getting a new toy when I was little (and still now.) When I first got that new toy I had been waiting for and asking for forever, I was SO happy. I would be completely elated and play with it for hours and hours. I had begged my parents for it for months and years and I would "never need anything else ever again." But then after a few weeks, this new toy would become an old toy and my "high" would be gone. I would normally move on and find something else to beg and hope for.

I think we're the same with life, no matter how old we get. We try to find new things to make us happy and satisfy ourselves. But even when we find those things, after awhile, the feeling we got when we first got them fade away. After awhile, we go back to our same unhappiness and our same dissatisfaction that we had before. Then, we try to find something new. It's a continuous never-ending cycle...

But there is ONE thing that will always make us feel alive, and that is the One who made us alive. We spend so much time trying to find things to give us that alive feeling and that high that we kind of miss the One who is always there to give us that feeling. I think it's those moments when we truly feel and realize the amazing love that God has for us and shows us that we really feel alive. It isn't a temporary high from a material item or a moment of happiness from an exciting event. It's a permanent feeling of overwhelming joy knowing that the God of everything has an unconditional crazy love for us.

If we were blind and couldn't see, God would still make us feel alive. If we were deaf and couldn't hear, God would still make us feel alive. If we were mute and couldn't speak, God would still make us feel alive. If we couldn't hear, see, or talk then would we finally realize that feeling alive doesn't come from possessions, clothes, successes, people, moments, or anything else in this world?

The love that God has deeply embedded into our hearts and the over-powering joy that comes with that love is what gives us that high. Realizing that love will truly show us how to feel alive.

Check out Audea at facebook.com/audeamusic.

Below are pictures I got with the guys at both of the concerts. :)

Jordan, my best friend Alex, Will, me, and Eric :)

I Love Me.

I’ve been thinking about something a lot lately and felt compelled to write a blog on it. I almost feel like this topic is something that I would typically avoid, only because I’m only 17 and all the people older than me will just say that I have no experience or basis to write this on. Which might be true, but I am a teenage girl, so whether or not I’m an expert on the topic, (which I’m not) I still feel as if my thoughts count for something. And since this is my personal blog, I kind of just throw everything out there.

Pretty much every one of my blog posts revolves around love. And this one is no exception.

My best friend and I spend a lot of time discussing boys and marriage and the future. (Again, we’re teenage girls so that’s pretty normal.) And we both have this firm belief that God has a perfect guy picked out for us and in His timing, we’ll know who it is. Sometimes, I feel like for both of us, it’s pretty difficult to go through this “waiting” period. We have so many dreams of our weddings and having that special someone, etc. so we constantly have to remind each other daily that it WILL happen. And again, we’re only 17 so we understand that we’re young, but when you’re surrounded by music, movies, books, TV shows, family and friends that all revolve around romance and relationships, it gets kind of hard to accept that we might not have that for a long time. Nevertheless, our faith and trust is in God to provide that for us when the time is right.

Well, while having these conversations with each other, one common phrase gets thrown around a lot: “I’m scared of getting hurt.”

We both have this giant fear of meeting a guy, and then something happening to where we end up hurt or disappointed. And I have a strong feeling that we aren’t the only 2 girls that feel like this.

There are SO many times in my life where I’ve heard people say: “You have to love yourself or you’ll never be able to let someone else love you” and I’ve NEVER taken that to heart because I always felt like it was just conceited or an excuse for relationships that didn’t work. I never actually sat down and thought about how true this really was.

I have very little self confidence and I don’t believe I have much self-worth. Since I don’t see myself as having any worth, I don’t feel like other people do either. And this is so evident in so many areas of my life. It’s hard for me to make friends because I’m scared that people immediately look down on me when they meet me. I try hard to get my parents’ approval because I’m scared I’m not being good enough for them. But neither of these is true.

I project the way I view myself onto the way I think others view me. And I feel like this is one of the biggest issues in dating or in relationships in general.

If I am not happy with who I am and I feel like I don’t deserve to be loved, then that makes it very hard for me to believe that someone can actually care about me. I used to tell myself so often that I don’t deserve to be loved, so when I’m with a guy, I automatically assume that he thinks that too. Therefore, I believe that I’m going to get hurt. I scare myself into thinking that he’s going to leave me or cheat on me. I do this not only with guys, but with all of my friends and even family.

Because of the way I feel about myself, I create a lie for how I think people feel about me.

I think that the “waiting” period I am in right now is a time for not only self-discovery, but a time for us to learn to love ourselves.

I think I’ve finally realized that I have to learn to be content with the person I am. I have to learn to see myself the way that God sees me. He created me so special and He loves me so much and that has to become true for myself first before He brings someone else into my life.

I think that the fear of getting hurt emerges from the doubt that we have in ourselves. If I was confident in myself as a person, then I wouldn’t be as fearful of some guy hurting me.

I truly believe now that God specially created this time for being “single” so that we can open our eyes to the people He created us to be. And when we somewhat can see how special we are, then we can fully accept someone else seeing us that way.

It’s kind of like when people always say that a woman shouldn’t find her worth in a man. My future husband won’t define me and make me who I am, because God already did that. But he will compliment me as a person, as I will him.

“So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.”

1 John 4:16

The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”

Mark 12:31

Mark 12:31 is such a well known verse that goes along so well with what I’m trying to say. Out of all the commandments in the bible, the greatest one tells us to love our neighbor as ourselves. How can we love those around us if we have no love for ourselves?

Obviously, I’m not trying to become self-obsessed and put myself on a pedestal or tell anyone else to. I just believe that God created us to be so special. We were made in HIS image and He is perfect!  In today’s world, I think it’s hard to feel confident in the people we are. A lot of times, I feel as if we’re not allowed to feel special or to feel loved. There’s so much negativity tearing down today’s generation that self-doubt is naturally built into our DNA. But it really shouldn’t be that way. We need to be able to find a balance in between the 2 extremes: 1. Hating ourselves (NO self confidence.) and 2. Viewing ourselves as the only human on earth. (Too much self confidence.)

There has to be a middle ground where we see and believe that God made us beautiful and amazing in His image and we deserve to be loved the way he loves us. And because of that love He has for us, we’re allowed to love ourselves, and freely give that love to those around as well.

Learning to love ourselves is step 1 in losing the fear of rejection.

Generation Love.

Jennette McCurdy, best known for playing Sam in the hit Nickelodeon TV series, iCarly started her solo music career and released a debut single called ‘Generation Love.’

I’m not the biggest country music fan, which is her style, but this song is absolutely one of the BEST songs I have ever heard. Lyrics wise, it displays such a respect for older generations and such a positive, profound outlook on how the current generation of kids and teenagers should be seen.

I've heard stories about my grandpa
Child of the Great Depression
How growing up broke creates
A deep and dark impression

He sits in a rocker down at the veterans' home
Even when I go to visit
He’s still rocking all alone

What will they say about us?

“When I was a kid…” I roll my eyes the second these words escape my Mom’s mouth. I block out her voice as she tells us what would have happened if she said to her father what I say to mine.  I get annoyed when she explains how much different life was without computers, cell-phones and the internet. I walk away when my Dad starts to describe the day they got their first television.  Teenagers today, [unless it’s just me] just don’t care about how the days were before we existed. We don’t want to hear how much different life was. We don’t want to even imagine what it was like without facebook. We can’t stand the thought of only getting socks and underwear for Christmas. We ignore the stories they tell us and we see our Grandparents and even parents as “old-fashioned.”

We work really hard to not care about the past and how life was for those older than us. But in reality, I think if we took the time to listen and care, we would have a newfound respect for our grandparents, great Grandparents, and even our parents. History was NEVER my favorite class in school. It always bored me to hear about the past and the olden times. But when I listen to my Grandpa tell all his stories about when he was my age, I become fascinated. It’s amazing how much life has changed over the past 50-60 years. When I listen to the things my Mom had compared to what I have, I am in awe. I gain more respect for my elders when I learn how they lived at my age and how content they were with what they had.

We are children of divorce
Victims of dysfunction
We spell check, of course
And GPS the proper junction

We've gotten pretty good at shifting all the blame

I cannot go a day without hearing my Dad complain about my generation. He reminds me every day that I live in a generation that isn’t thankful. A disrespectful generation that thinks they’re always right.  We live in dysfunctional families and broken homes. We can’t hand write anything because we rely on spell check to correct our grammar and miss-spelled words. We don’t know how to read maps or ask for directions because our GPS does that for us. We are never to blame for anything because it’s always someone else’s fault.

It hurts me so much to hear people talk about our generation in the way that this song so accurately describes. But if I put aside my ego and think about it: It’s true. I’ll be the first to admit that spell check is my best friend. I am using some form of electronics 24/7 and I always find someone else to blame for my problems.

They call us generation lost
Or generation greed
Or they connect the generation
To a plasma screen

Or a generation why
Enough is not enough
Or maybe they'll call us
Generation love

The current generation is looked upon as being selfish, greedy, and material-focused. I get so upset when I hear people talk about MY generation like this, but I ignore the truth that lies behind it. We interact through texting and facebook chat. We’ve lost the meaning of face-to-face communication. We spend our lives buying the newest thing that comes out. We’re never satisfied with what we have. Only months after the iPad was created, the iPad 2 was already on the shelves. We spend so much time focused on the things we want and how to get them that we lose the real meaning of life.

And when they open up our time capsule
A hundred years from now
Maybe they'll look inside
And see we figured out

How to live with less
And give ourselves away

Just maybe they'll call us
Generation love

I want to be part of a generation that changes the world. I want to show unconditional love to every single person on this earth and change this terrible image that we have created for ourselves.  I want to take the time to listen to my parents’ stories about when they were my age. I want to listen to my Grandpa explain how things were in his days. 

I want to be a part of a generation that shows undeniable respect for the generations before us, the generations that built our foundation.  I want to learn to live with less and be able to say that I lived for love and love alone.

I can honestly say that in 100 years, I want someone to look back on my generation and be proud. I don’t want them to see greed or dissatisfaction with what we had. I want them to see love.  Not only to change the mindset of so many people, but also to make our parents, and Grandparents, and great-great grandparents proud.

I want to be a part of the generation that realized that love was more important than all of the other things we focused on… and learned how to change it.

The richest man on earth and the man on the street that has nothing but the bag on his shoulder, both have one thing in common, and that is love. No matter what we have or who we are, we are always able to show love. We are always able to give some of ourselves away to help someone else.

We have the ability and the time to make this generation known as Generation Love. Personally, I will not settle for anything less. And I can start with just me.

“But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.”

1 Peter 2:9