Will I End Up Happy?

I logged onto Pandora for the first time this weekend. My Dad is always raving about how much he loves it, so I figured I’d give it a shot.

I just typed in a random artist that I have been listening to and loving a lot lately. [He Is We]

The first song that started playing was a song I hadn’t heard before and I immediately fell in love with it.  [Happily Ever After]

My favorite line in the whole songs says, “Author of the moment, can you tell me. Do I end up, do I end up happy?”

This line really hits me deep and makes me think a lot about life.

I realize that most of the decisions I make are based on what will happen in the future. When I am in the process of deciding whether or not to something, I keep in account how it will affect the next day, the next month, the next year.

I’ve always been raised with this mindset. I remember when I was very young, my Dad always telling me to “think ahead.” Still to this day, he tells me to think about how the choices I make will impact me in the long run.  (Which is also his advice to the U.S. government.)

I am extremely thankful for this lesson that he’s taught me. I think it’s always important to take the future into account when making decisions, because as we all know, the smallest choices you make change your whole life.

But, I think that even this can be taken too far. I think sometimes I spend so much time thinking ahead and thinking to the future, that I forget to live in the present. I forget to enjoy the day I am currently living in because I am too busy worried about what my tomorrow is going to look like and how next year is going to be.

For the past year, I’ve found myself living from exciting event to exciting event. I find one certain day to look forward to and then I spend all the rest of my days counting down to that event. I never thought this was a bad thing, until I started realizing that I was alive on those special days, but dead on all the days in between.

Instead of living in the moment and enjoying every day as it came, I found myself staring at the clock, hours on end, waiting for the day to be over. Then I knew I had one less day to wait.

When this special day that I had been waiting for for so long came, I was ecstatic. I was happy. I was alive. I felt positive and full of life. I felt like I had no more worries or stresses. It was amazing.

Then it ended.

I went back to being dead. I stared at the clock again and waited for time to pass until I found something new to look forward to.

It was… and still is… a continuous cycle.

I can honestly say that I’m not happy with this way of living. And I’m working on trying to get out of it. This song kind of opened my eyes a little bit.

I struggle every second of every day, wondering if my future is going to turn out the way I want it to. I wonder every day how my life is going to look in 10 or so years. Heck, I wonder every day how my life is going to look in 6 months. I want to know if I’ll be happy. I want to know if the choices I’ve made end up getting me where I’ve always wanted to be.

Too bad the harsh reality is- We won’t know til we get there.

I can spend all day wondering what my future is going to look like. I can spend every second thinking of how I want to be in 6 months or ten years… but all I have is today. All I have is this moment that I’m living in.

My life can change the second after I type this next word. My life can change when I drive home from work today. I can wake up tomorrow and my life be changed. I will never know what could happen or what will happen.

All I truly know is what is happening.

Right now.

In this moment.

I think maybe I spend so much time focusing on making myself happy in the future that I forget to be happy right now. I forget to live in the moment. I’ve written countless blog posts on letting fear keep you from living. This time I think I’m letting my future keep me from living.

Of course I want to know if I’m going to end up happy. Who doesn’t?

But right now, I need to focus on being happy today.

Going back to thinking ahead, I think it comes back full circle.

By being happy everyday, and living my life fully alive everyday, I think that will impact my future in a positive way. I might not know how it’s going to end or where I’ll be, but if I’m happy now, then that’s what matters.

I will always make decisions based on how they are going to impact my life in the long run. But I think it’s time for me to stop using my future as an excuse to waste today.

Every single day is new. Every single day, something can change. Every single day provides opportunity for something incredible to happen. Maybe if I wake up every day, happier, then I won’t have to worry about my future as much.

I can rest and be free in knowing that the future will work itself out as long as I let myself live in the moment.

My past is gone forever. And my future is undecided and a mystery to me… but today; I have the ability to be happy and live life. Right now, for this second, I think that’s important.  

Will I end up happy? I don’t know. I guess we’ll see when we get there. :)

Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.

Matthew 6:34